On a normal, non pregnant day, I weigh anywhere between 197 and 207 lbs.
This may sound like a lot and, believe me, I would LOVE to be in the 175 - 185 range. But the truth is, I am ok with my body.
I have had issues with it in the past. I used to spend a lot of energy berating myself and my weight just to have friends say that they would never ever even think of me as being overweight. Because I don't LOOK overweight.
I am a tall girl. A big tall girl.
And now instead of being angry at myself all the time for not looking like a model, I try my best every day to recognize that I am a beautiful woman in a beautiful body.
Isn't that the body image we are all supposed to be cultivating?
Except there is a HUGE discrepancy here. Because according to every physician I have seen, (including the life insurance people who had no issues what-so-ever calling me "a risk because of my unhealthy weight") I am fat.
Not just fat...obese.
In fact, even at my lightest weight in the past four years, 195 on my wedding day, that was still considered obese.
Above is a photo of my husband and I on our wedding day in September of 2007 and below is a picture of me one year later on our anniversary.
Go ahead, be honest. I really can take it.
The question is where, and how, do I find the happy medium? How do I love myself and honor and respect my body and at the same time feel enough shame for being obese that I am motivated to lose weight?
Fortunately, I don't have to worry about this for a while as I am currently trying everything I can to gain weight since I have actually lost 11 pounds since finding out I was pregnant. But I know the weight will come, and I know it won't be easy to lose it...I am not a celebrity with catered meals, a nanny, a personal trainer and gym at my disposal 24/7.
But I will need to be acting on this shortly after giving birth. Why? Because the other day we were both evaluated for life insurance. And we got a call a couple of days later saying that I was risk because of my weight and my premium would be going up. Oh I threw out the 'but-I'm-pregnant' card but who are we kidding here...I've LOST 11 lbs so far. The man on the other end of the phone said that they would come out and reevaluate me after I had the baby and if I had lost the weight then I wouldn't be a risk anymore.
I won't lie. This news sent me right upstairs to my room where I cried my eyes out.
I love me. I love my body. I love who I am. And it has taken a long time to get to this place and now it isn't good enough. And not only is it not good enough, but it is going to get much worse before I am charged with the task of making it a whole lot better.
I wish I wasn't so frustrated by this, but it really gets under my skin. And I understand what they are saying...it is important to be as healthy as possible. But if getting there means reminding myself every day that I am too fat to eat something than the trade-off is my mental health and isn't that just as important?
What do you think? Is it better to have a healthy body image or to actually be physically healthy no matter how miserable you make yourself getting there? What's the happy medium?