People often refer to this time, this time with small children, as the trenches. I know I have. It is no secret that parenting Little G has been overwhelming and discouraging at times. I have felt angry and out-of-control at times. I have felt guilty that I couldn't seem to handle it as well as other mommies. I have felt ashamed that my child has acted out towards me in ways that I have never seen other children do with their mothers. I have felt despair that I am not cut out to be a mother. I have felt accused of not being a positive enough person. I have felt lonely. I have felt confused. I have felt isolated. I have felt defeated.
Of course, parenting isn't all black and white. It isn't ever going to be that my child is more difficult or more spirited than yours. Or that I am not as positive a person as you are. Or that I am being overly dramatic about my situation.
Instead, there are so many different factors behind all of the ebbs and tides and flows of my relationship with Little G.
I shared my darkness with you once. It was frightening to consider that I might be the problem and thus I might have to be the solution.
I have been seeing a therapist and have been taking a new prescription for a medication that I know in the deepest place of my heart has truly helped me to weed through all of the deep emotional pain and dark thoughts that have bombarded my mind since I became a mother. I have been gaining confidence in my parenting skills and my point of view and the overflowing amount of love I have for both of my children. And yet, with this piece of the puzzle fitting in place, Little G is still struggling. Because it isn't just me. It is him too.
We are looking down the long road of a potential Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) evaluation and diagnosis. Little G is so bright and caring and smart and intuitive. I both pray desperately that this is the answer and at the same time, I know deep in my heart that just like our relationship as parent and child, there is no, one, key for the many ebbs and tides and flows of Little G.
These are the trenches. This is where we are. And yet, even in this deep, dark place, as we slog our way through, I feel hope. It isn't a feeling I am used to over the course of the last three years. And that is what therapy and medication has given me. Because now, instead of fumbling around in the dark, I finally feel like someone has left a light on for me.