Monday, May 17, 2010

Can't Take It ANYMORE!!!

He's been crying/screaming since 11:30 this morning when his nap SHOULD HAVE started and it is now 2.

I am at my wit's end and want to know, at this moment, THIS MOMENT WHERE I AM GOING TO LOSE MY MIND, who the fuck do I call? Because really, what would they do? Nothing.

They would do nothing.

I hate being a mom.

There. I said it. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

You want to know the truth about what it's like to have a kid? THIS is it. It sucks and you hate it and you can't go back.

-- --

And then...

...after two hours and thirty six minutes...

...there is silence.

And the guilt sets in.

Horrible, demeaning, self-loathing guilt. Because you see, that's part of being a mom too.

Excuse me while I go overdose on Costco Creampuffs. Because when he wakes up (and let's be clear here...there's no guarantee that he will sleep for a long time nor is there a promise that no matter how long he does or doesn't sleep he will actually wake up happy) I will need to be prepared to love him as fiercely as ever.


  1. Granted, Piper isn't as old as G, but I hear you, I really do. Luckily we have yet to hit the teething (shudder), the utter miserable nights, and the need to potty train (thank goodness) but sometimes I grit my teeth and think, "WHY did I do this?" Then, the clouds clear and she's an angel again. That's when I feel bad, because it took me so long to get her, and there I was, almost wishing she was never born. Then I curl up with her in bed, or take her for a walk and think, "It's okay, I'm just being a mom".

    Big hugs, M.

  2. I fear it'll be this way more often for me than it should. Being childless, I have very little tolerance for disobedience, monotonous noise, and things that mess with my very touchy schedule. Having a baby sounds like a terrifying prospect to me, sometimes. Other times, of course, it sounds like the perfect thing to do. Enjoy your cream puffs. Your son *is* adorable, but being driven crazy by his fussiness is allowed, on occasion, I think!!

  3. You are human and I love you for it. I am 100% sure that I will feel this way about my child if and when I have one. Part of me feels like I'd be a bad mom for not loving every moment and that makes me think that I shouldn't have kids. But then I read an honest account like yours and it reminds me that I am still allowed to be a human being and don't have to wait until I achieve sainthood before becoming a mom. Thank you!

  4. If I had your number I would call. Not because I could fix it, but because I could tell you that you are normal. And to share that I spread Betty Crocker chocolate frosting on toast today. Emotional eating at its best.
    I do understand. Everything. We should probably talk more!

  5. I love you for your honesty :)

  6. I know exactly how you feel. Now only if more moms were honest like you about moments like these... then maybe we wouldn't feel so guilty about it.

  7. Along with your monthly "love notes", you absolutely need to include this post for your son to read one day. We've all had days like this and one day he probably will too!

  8. I think this is the first glimpse of the "I love you always but I don't like you right now" stage of motherhood. I know you will pull through and do it with love. Try not to feel the guilt and know that there are millions of mothers out there (unfortunately I'm not one yet) that are behind you. As Dori said "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming" and eat a little sugar.

  9. I think you're a great mom & I think what you're feeling is completely normal!! Try not to be so hard on yourself :)