Yesterday, I posted a very raw, emotional post about my, then, very real feelings on being a mom. I was literally sitting in my office, a stone's throw away from Little G's nursery after having exhausted every possible thing I could do to comfort and/or soothe him and he was just screaming and crying and throwing a fit which he had been doing for over two and a half hours.
I had fed him, rocked him, carried him in the wrap, rubbed his back, given him his pacifier (he had weaned off of it last week and hadn't used it since), changed his diaper, walked around the house with him, bounced with him, gave him a bottle...twice...laid him gently in his crib. I did all of those things. All of them over and over again. And nothing helped.
I tried to lay him down and have him cry it out, but that added 30 minutes of crying to the mix. Finally, on my umpteenth attempt to soothe him I couldn't take it any more and I put him in his crib and left him there and wrote out exactly what was coursing through my head at that moment.
And in a few minutes, his cries got a little more spaced out and eventually he fell asleep mid wail.
Of course, as soon as he finally was able to go to sleep, the feelings of guilt and inadequacy slipped in, so I wrote about that too.
So, why am I rehashing it now? Because, I used to blog very anonymously and privately and I treated it like a diary of sorts, where I would only have to revisit what I wrote if I felt like it. But, this blog hasn't felt like such a safe haven. Which isn't to say that I don't trust the people who read my blog, but rather, I don't trust my writing to completely convey exactly how I am feeling in a way as to not cause alarm and thus concern my readers to the point that they decide they need to make an intervention or send help.
The thing is, I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. I would go so far as to say that I have it on display, in a box, with clear windows, and lights flashing with arrows pointing it out. From what I hear, not everyone is so open with their emotions and feelings and sometimes it intimidates people or scares them of flat-out turns them off to come across someone who is being so forthcoming.
I guess I wanted to remind my readers that I am human, and that while I do try to keep this space from being my personal dumping ground, I also think it is important to be real and open and honest about how motherhood isn't all roses and rainbows and happiness. Because only sharing the good and leaving out the bad (and, let's face it, the down-right nasty) bits of motherhood leads to the inevitable blindsiding that new mother's experience when they find out it isn't all it was cracked up to be.
So, thank you to everyone who offered up their support. My apologies if I scared anyone. I promise I will be back to my regularly scheduled rainbows and puppy dogs sometime in about 20 years from now.