I guess I am more prone to seeing how it is for mothers of boys since my own husband is one of two boys. I think of their mother, my Mother-in-Law, often and how as the mom of two boys she lost out on the secret world of awesome that is the bond between mothers and daughters. I try to keep this in mind and be respectful of how she must feel toward me...the woman who lights up her eldest son's eyes.
But now I am faced with the high probability that our next child is a girl. The ultrasound technician is pretty darn sure of it. Honestly, the thought of a girl scares the shit out of me. For one thing, she's gonna have my hair, and she's gonna hate me for the rest of her life for it. And let's not gloss over the fact that I'm legitimately frightened of girls between the ages of 7 (the beginning stages of tweendom) and 25 (the end stages of lashing out at one's upbringing by straying as far from the fold of morality as possible). But for some reason, now that there is going to be another girl in our family, I can't help but hope that means the promise of a great friend once she becomes an adult.
And I unfairly find myself thinking that my son's future spouse is now off the hook. No longer will they have to be entirely considerate of the fact that I don't have my own daughter to dote on, because I will have one.
It is an uncomfortable realization for me; the amount of pressure I was (and still am) putting on future relationships that may or may not ever materialize. I am well aware that the key is to stop racing ahead in my mind and to live in these moments of tantrums and sticky fingers and open-mouthed, joyful kissies and soon-to-be-again sleepless nights and bottles and cooing and dreamy baby snuggles. The adults my children will be someday are present right here in the minds and hearts of my beautiful son and soon-to-be-born daughter. I don't have to look any further than that right now.
"It is an uncomfortable realization for me; the amount of pressure I was (and still am) putting on future relationships that may or may not ever materialize." This is exactly how I have been feeling ever since we discovered that we are expecting another girl. I always pictured myself with two boys, and now that I am getting the exact opposite, I can't help but feel like a certain dream (if that is the right word) has been shattered.
ReplyDeleteLike they say, men plan and God laughs. I guess we just have to just keep doing the best that we can, and trust that there is always a bigger, more beautiful picture that God has in mind for all of us.
I don't buy into the whole "secret world of awesome" between mothers and daughters. I 100% believe that a parent can have that type of bond with either gender, and it is based on how that parent raises each child. I think, by default, mothers tend to gravitate to daughters because they can do "girly things" together and sons to fathers because of "manly things", but it most definitely does not have to be that way, at all.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is extremely close to his mother, and I know that he always puts her before me. When he got married, there was no sudden placing his wife on a pedestal and bumping off his mother -- as long as his mother is alive, he will be a son first and foremost, and secondarily a husband.
I, on the other hand, am much, MUCH closer to my father than to my mother. There is no awesome bond whatsoever, other than a bond of dislike and annoyance. My husband is far and away a million times closer to his mother than I am to mine.
It has to do with how you raise and support your child, not the gender of your particular child.