Friday, November 18, 2011

Sane is best!


See this woman?


I hate her.

I have the same, exact breast pump and there is no way in hell that I could ever A) get that much milk and B) sit there calmly at my desk with my suit top open and write a memo...or do basic math...or doodle...or whatever it is she's doing.

So, Ladybug turned three weeks old yesterday and that is exactly how old her big brother was when I made the difficult, but right for me, decision to stop breastfeeding.  You can read all about that emotional roller coaster HERE.

Before Ladybug was born I promised myself that I wasn't going to let myself get as emotionally invested in breastfeeding as I did last time.  The last thing any of us needs is a weepy momma who can't function because she's gone bat-sh*t crazy over breastfeeding.  I thought that if I was ultra aware of the risks of getting too attached to breastfeeding than maybe I wouldn't fall so hard if/when it didn't work again.  My goal was to make it three weeks; as long as I made it with Little G.

And yet, bat-sh*t crazy-land is exactly where I found myself heading emotionally just a couple of weeks ago.  Ladybug was losing weight at a rapid pace and our pediatrician suggested that we start supplementing.  I was ok with that, but I was so sad that I once again wasn't able to breastfeed exclusively.  I had pumped in the hospital when she wouldn't latch onto a side in an attempt to keep my breasts stimulated (and I was ecstatic when I got 7cc's of colostrum one night) but now we had to do the exact thing that had drove me over the edge with Little G: I was supposed to breastfeed, then supplement, then pump to try to up my supply.  Although Ladybug wasn't crying after breastfeeding like Little G did, thus making it impossible to find time to pump, I was only getting 1-2 oz a session which was starting to feel pointless and unproductive.

And then it happened.

Ladybug started latching on improperly just like her brother did when he annihilated my nipple in the course of a few hours.  I recognized that this was a bad thing...a very, VERY bad thing, so I stopped breastfeeding Ladybug immediately and went to exclusively pumping and supplementing with formula to protect my nipples from the infection that devastated my supply last time.

Since then, I contacted a nutraceutical pharmacologist at a local compounding center and started on a course of Mallunggay leaves and Eye of Newt...kidding on that last one...it's really Goat's Rue.  These are to hopefully up my supply.  I've been taking them since Monday afternoon and so far I don't see an increase in production, but it can take some women up to two weeks to notice a difference.

As I said, as of yesterday, I have provided as much breast milk as I can for my daughter for three weeks which is exactly what my goal was.  I am hoping that in the next few days some more milk will start to come in and I can potentially give her more than I am currently giving her.  But if that doesn't happen, I am trying to get myself ready to let it go.

But even with all of my emotional precautions, even with a two year old IN THE HOUSE who thrived on formula, it is so hard not to beat myself up about this.  No matter how many times I tell myself that a sane mommy is best, the message that breast is best is the loudest one I hear.

What was your breastfeeding journey?

9 comments:

  1. Ugh, I feel your pain. I was so good at telling others that they should do what's best for them and their baby in order to enjoy it and not make themselves crazy. Then, when it was me, I beat myself up over wanting to quit when I had to do something similar to you (breastfeed, supplement, pump...it's exhausting!). It was a huge relief when I decided enough was enough. I wanted to enjoy the time with my daughter not stress over how much milk I was producing and how much was she actually getting, and was she gaining weight well now? IF IT WORKS, breast is best. I believe that. But, for some of us, it doesn't work and, I agree, being sane is BEST! Good luck figuring out what works for YOU and YOUR baby!

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  2. I think 1-2 oz per pumping session is great!  Remember that your body is producing what she needs.  That women in the picture might be pumping for a 5 year old :).  Just a tip to remember, the stimulation from comfort nursing and pumping (even if there's little or no milk seen) is still giving your body the message to keep producing milk.  I used to get very frustrated when I couldn't pump enough at work for the next day, but it all worked out.  We stopped at 18 months.

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  3. ugh!  those pictures are ridiculous.  I am no expert, but I can tell you that the 3 week mark was absolutely the worst time in my breastfeedng journey, perhaps the worst time of my entire life.  Drama!  I'm sure you know that most babies go through a huge growth spurt around that time, well -- mine decided that it was the time to start being attached to my boob 24/7.  I thought something was wrong.  With me.. or the baby or something.  I just decided to go with it.  Grabbed some snacks, the remote, my cell phone, and just camped on the couch boobs out for 3 full days.  I am not exaggerating.  If she wasn't nursing to some degree, she was screaming.  After the 3 day boob fest, it was smooth sailing.  The constant nursing increased my supply so that I never had a problem after that.  I nursed on demand (which was sometimes more than was convenient ... but it is what it is) and my daughter nursed for 16 months, I went back to work full time and pumped at 5 months pp.

    Good luck -- whatever you end up doing, you are right.  A sane mommy is the most important thing.

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  4. I remember being pregnant and reading your original post about your breastfeeding experience with Little G.  I tried to prepare myself for the possibility of breastfeeding not working out.  I even told myself that I would try it, and if it didn't work then it would be okay.  I would not look at myself as a failure if I had to give my son formula.  Then I gave birth to my son, and all I could think was "breast is best."  The hospital put so much pressure on me to breastfeed, and they weren't great at helping me.. just making me feel guilty.  My son wasn't interested in breastfeeding, and the sucking reflex didn't come naturally for him.  After a week of failed attempts to get him to the boob, I turned to exclusive pumping and haven't looked back.  For the first month and a half I had to supplement him with formula, and I tried my best not to have mommy guilt.  I tried...

    Well he is now 7 months old and exclusively breastfed.  I am still pumping away everyday, and he still receives his nutrition through a bottle.  It was what worked best for my family, and I do agree with you -- "sane is best."  

    As mothers we put an insane amount of guilt on ourselves when we try to do the very best for our children.  You are doing an amazing job.  Don't ever forget that.  My best advice for pumping is to create a very relaxed environment.  Stress affected my supply greatly.  If you can, try to read, blog, or watch a show.  It'll take your mind off pumping.  If you don't have one already, get a hands free bra.  Best purchase ever.

    Wishing you and your family the very best.  Good luck and keep up the great work.  You're an awesome mother.  :)

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  5. I agree with Guest commenter above.

    Dont look at that silly product advertisement photo. Look i pumped at work an was in front of a computer but i would win up looking at cute photos of my baby.

    To give you an idea of what I pumped when my baby was 3 weeka old i looked up that log i saved.... (turning pages....)

    AHEM!!!! Left boob 35-45 cc'd right boob 15-20cc's. (my right boob always made less than my left boob.)

    I wouldnt look at quantity of amount of breastmilk so much ad frequency of nursing sessions. Your daughter was a ten pound baby. She just got plucked out of you. How much weight do they hope she would have gained realistically by now?!?!

    And there IS a learning cure for bew babies and their mommies. I was a cranky breastfeeder mommy. My kiddo was a pirahna of a nurser. 4th day of life she clusterfed a horrendous session and my boobs were RAW. I had totake the whole weekend off and pump and feed her via a syringe. It was awful. Breastfeeding killed me the first 10 weeks of her life. And THEN she bit me and on my left boob none the less (the boob that makes the most milk) i had a nuiscance of a CRACKED meaty nipple. My husband thought i needed stitches. (thanks hubby by the way for that non helpful comment)

    What saved me was going to la leche league mtgs and commiserating with other mommas who were trying to get commiseration from other mommas. And i had an amazing lactation consultant who was just so suportive of my decision... She was so comforting. And here i am still nursing my 15 month old (trust me it gets easier and its bot so bad nursing a toddler like i thought it would be. I thought i would be the kindnof momma to cut nursing at 12 montha but my kiddo just thrives and benefits off of it so much- and i have come to enjoy the peaceful nursing moments we have.)

    And realize too your feelings stem from hormones as well. I was such a freakin basket case when it came to my breastfeeding frustrations. My boobs hurt. My nipples were on fire. They were bleeding. The shower hurt. My baby was such a vigorous sucker.... And yet how could i deny my baby who was obviously loving it? Ugh my head spinned... And nursing is exhaustin during those cluster feeds!!!!

    So i hear ya. These first fews wreks w a newborn are unlike any other experience!

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  6. Visitor, Katherine, left this message last night and for some reason it won't show up in Disqus, so I copied and pasted it here:

    I agree with Guest commenter above.Dont look at that silly product advertisement photo. Look i pumped at work an was in front of a computer but i would win up looking at cute photos of my baby.To give you an idea of what I pumped when my baby was 3 weeka old i looked up that log i saved.... (turning pages....)AHEM!!!! Left boob 35-45 cc'd right boob 15-20cc's. (my right boob always made less than my left boob.)I wouldnt look at quantity of amount of breastmilk so much ad frequency of nursing sessions. Your daughter was a ten pound baby. She just got plucked out of you. How much weight do they hope she would have gained realistically by now?!?!And there IS a learning cure for bew babies and their mommies. I was a cranky breastfeeder mommy. My kiddo was a pirahna of a nurser. 4th day of life she clusterfed a horrendous session and my boobs were RAW. I had totake the whole weekend off and pump and feed her via a syringe. It was awful. Breastfeeding killed me the first 10 weeks of her life. And THEN she bit me and on my left boob none the less (the boob that makes the most milk) i had a nuiscance of a CRACKED meaty nipple. My husband thought i needed stitches. (thanks hubby by the way for that non helpful comment)What saved me was going to la leche league mtgs and commiserating with other mommas who were trying to get commiseration from other mommas. And i had an amazing lactation consultant who was just so suportive of my decision... She was so comforting. And here i am still nursing my 15 month old (trust me it gets easier and its bot so bad nursing a toddler like i thought it would be. I thought i would be the kindnof momma to cut nursing at 12 montha but my kiddo just thrives and benefits off of it so much- and i have come to enjoy the peaceful nursing moments we have.)And realize too your feelings stem from hormones as well. I was such a freakin basket case when it came to my breastfeeding frustrations. My boobs hurt. My nipples were on fire. They were bleeding. The shower hurt. My baby was such a vigorous sucker.... And yet how could i deny my baby who was obviously loving it? Ugh my head spinned... And nursing is exhaustin during those cluster feeds!!!! So i hear ya. These first fews wreks w a newborn are unlike any other experience! 

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  7. Wanted to pop in and thank all of you for your supportive and friendly comments.  I also wanted to clear a couple of things.

    1) I totally get that the picture is marketing material...it just used to make me giggle and then all of the sudden I found myself hating her

    2) While I talked about this extensively in the breastfeeding post after I had my son, I didn't mention it in this post: I have a low and slow supply because I had a breast reduction 16 years ago.  Back then they took even less precautions to save milk ducts, so what I have is what I have. But I don't regret the procedure one bit...I just know that my low supply isn't something that is easily fixable because the ducts just aren't there

    Anyway, I've been pumping for a week now and I know that 1-2 oz a pump is good...but that only equates up to 8oz of the at least 25oz she eats in a day.  

    I don't have the time or energy to pump more, so I am hoping that I can start her on a breast shield early this week and at least get her on the breast since she is so much more efficient at getting milk than the pump.

    I'll be sure to keep you all posted and again, thank you so much for your support with this.

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  8. I am sorry- I owe you an apology. I know you were really hating the lady in the photo- you were just being playful.

    I thought maybe if I just shared how much I mnaged to pump during that same age your daughter is you would see that regardless of the breast reduction, I too pumped very little out as well.

    I also was just sharing how I too found myself being emotional for different reasons- and that from what I can tell from the breastfeeding support groups/ La Leche leagye mtgs I had been to, that it seems as though there are a range of emotions that surround nursing your child.

    There were two women in my group who successfully nursed their children without pumping- but with an SNS (supplemental nursing system) who had also had breast reductions... They did it for a whole year!

    Anyhow- yes you are right. Do what keeps you sane but know you aren't alone and that everyone is rooting you on in whatever it is you choose to do. I certainly don't want to ever be perceived as passing judgement in the least. I hope you didn't feel that way in my comment.

    ((Hugs)) & warm thoughts!

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  9. I agree with the ludicrousness (not a word?) of that marketing image. I pumped for both P & H after going back to work and never was able to do it hands free. 

    Breastfeeding is such an emotionally loaded issue that it's hard not to get weepy about it at some point, whether it goes well, badly, or some combo of the two. While I was lucky enough to nurse both boys for the time period I wanted to, I made darn sure not to note the last time I nursed either of them. I just didn't want an anniversary to look back on and be sad about. And what makes me sadder is that if/when they find out that I had breastfed them as infants, they are going to be soooooo grossed out.

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